I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
