the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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