Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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