Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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