Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just pee around me
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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