he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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