Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
