Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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