MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I understand Curling. That high.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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