god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
