worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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