My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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