There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
