It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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