Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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