Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
