guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
