I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
