It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
