I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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