Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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