In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
