Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
