I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
