so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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