So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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