Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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