If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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