Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
