Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
