also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
