Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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