mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
