my vag is so smooth its legendary
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
