I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
