I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize