Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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