Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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