dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He felt like a one man threesome
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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