yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
