**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
