I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
