okay pat passed out under dana's car
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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