In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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