take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
