they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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