Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
