I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
