There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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