Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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