I wish I could teleport
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
