if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
