cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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