3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
