My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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