In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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