Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
