My girlfriend figured out who you are.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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